Today we’re going to be talking about ways to foster and grow family closeness and connection at the dinner table, making dinner time meaningful and special. It can really transform a simple meal into a chance to connect with each other, to reflect on your days together, and to really relax after the craziness of the day.
The first thing to do, I think, is to create a good atmosphere. You know how when you go to a restaurant that is mellow, when there’s some beautiful piano music playing, there’s dim lights, and there’s a beautiful view, then you immediately sigh with relief, and start to relax. So, to create an atmosphere at home that makes everybody sigh and relax is a wonderful thing.
To help with this, set your table thoughtfully, maybe using your favorite tablecloth and cloth napkins, using candles, dim lights, or twinkle lights. You can make the environment feel special by putting on some soft music, and then decorating the table with whatever you like, with flowers, or any kind of beautiful tableware; pretty glasses and your favorite crockery and silverware.
Perhaps you want to fold the napkins in an elegant and fancy way. We have some napkin folds on our YouTube channel, Family Food for Moms. You can fold your napkins like a shirt, a rose, a bow, or a Christmas tree. There’s lots of options.
Try to involve everybody in getting the meal ready so that they’re aware that it’s a special time. Maybe everybody can dress up a little fancy, or you can have a color night, where everybody wears one thing of a certain color just for fun. That’s a lot more simple and relaxed than a fancy dress up dinner, but they’re both special.
Then I think it’s important to make sure that you’re all disconnected from the day’s worries. I think that setting the table nicely, having music playing, and sitting down together already helps with this a lot. It helps you to disconnect from anything that’s a distraction, a burden or a worry. But it’s also important to put away phones, to put away computers or laptops, and also, as a mom, to put away the worries that you’re thinking about. Dads need to put away the work day, and have energy for their children, and same with moms, energy for the conversation and for the togetherness. Also get rid of anything that might be requiring your attention. So, if you’re busy cooking something for the next day in the kitchen or if there’s something you were busy with, if you need to finish unloading the dryer, it’s better to get those things out of the way or put them off until after the meal, so that you’re all set to be focused.
This brings me to the next point, which is that it’s very important to be present. The evening’s not going to be as connected or as close if you’re only half there, and you’re half thinking about something else, or having to jump up and do things in the middle. It helps so much if mom and dad can sit and relax, and if everybody can be a hundred percent there for the meal. Be present, be thinking about each other, have the space to ask each other questions, and listen to the responses. Have the energy to connect and communicate, and to have that fellowship time.
It’s also really important to slow down and savor the meal. Having different courses helps with this, as I’ve mentioned this before. It doesn’t have to be complicated, but instead of eating everything off of one plate, start with one part, perhaps the vegetables, and then follow with meat and potatoes, and then perhaps a little something for dessert. Slowing down your courses makes more time for conversation, and makes the meal slower instead of rushed.
Every part of the meal can be slower. You can savor the flavors, you can talk about the food and focus on the specific tastes and textures that you enjoy. And then during that time you can have a conversation. So, make it a point to really enjoy the food, and make it a point to really enjoy each other in a similar way to what the French and many other cultures do in their mealtimes. If you want to listen to my episode on what we can learn from the French about dining, it’s episode six. In it I talk about ways that the French are really good at engaging in a meal together, enjoying their food, and enjoying their time together, communicating during the meal.
Another idea is to create traditions. Over time, you can develop special traditions that are unique to your family, like having a family toast to something before a meal. This could be really fun. You can pick a theme, but everybody can toast to something along the lines of that theme. Or you could have everybody share something they’re excited about. Perhaps one of you could read a Bible verse that’s special to you, and a different person could do it each week. Or someone could read a poem they really love, or one that they’re learning. We’ve had great fun with poems like The Charge of the Light Brigade. You could get one of your younger children to share a poem, show a picture, or talk about something that they’ve learned lately in school.
Having certain traditions gives the children something to look forward to, and gives everybody a focus point to start the meal off so that it’s easier to start a good conversation. Sometimes I find our family can get stuck in silly conversation mode, where we talk about really arbitrary things. That’s okay for a little bit, but it’s nice to refocus and get in a bit of meaningful conversation time. So, doing something like reading a poem helps. Even reciting something together can always reset your conversation.
A similar idea is to practice gratitude together. That would be to start or end your meal with a moment of gratitude. Each person could mention one thing they’re thankful for, or you each person could pray something they’re thankful for. Perhaps something to do with the food, a grace prayer where each person prays something specifically about the food, or about their family that they’re thankful for, or excited about being part of. Practicing gratitude is a great habit.
Also along this vein, I think it’s a great way to include family history and or country history. We’ve got a couple of books that are written by granny about her life. It’s lovely to read a little section and think about how life was back then. We’ve also got a couple of recordings of our parents talking about times in their lives when things were very different, when prices were very different. It’s fun to talk about that, and again, it starts a good conversation.
Or maybe there are old newspapers that you can dig up and look at for fun, or something interesting could be passed around, like “This is the medal that Grandad won in this war.” Then you can talk about that part of history. It can be anything that sparks interest.
Perhaps you could talk about the space program and what’s the latest developments, and show a video about that and then talk about it. If you do introduce technology for a little bit to watch a video or something, then that can be very inspiring, but then it’s good to put it away again afterwards. There are so many topics about current world affairs or history that are wonderful to bring up as topics to start your conversation. And then it’s great to ask each member of the family, each child, what their thoughts are on it, maybe asking specific questions that are tailored for their age and level.
Another obvious but simple way to enhance conversation is to share something from your day. Take turns sharing a highlight from your day. Sometimes it’s hard to get going, and people aren’t sure what to say, so maybe dad can ask a specific question like, “What did you find scary today?” or “What was one fact you never knew before that you learned today?” It’s a very simple ritual, and it helps to foster communication, and helps you to connect with each other and relate to each other by understanding more about how your day has been.
We’ve got some conversation starters that you can download on our website, which are also great for getting conversations going, especially when they seem stuck. So, you take a conversation starter card, and then you all answer that question, or one person could ask another person the question that’s on the card. To download those, enter your email below.
Another way to enjoy the evening and to break the ice is to try a themed dinner. You could do something like Taco Tuesday, or Comfort Food Night, or food or cuisine from a specific country. You can make this as complicated or as simple as you like, but it’s always exciting to explore dishes from different countries. It adds an element of fun and conversation that’s different to normal.
Then also playing a game is a great way to relax together. Sometimes we do this right at the table in between courses, games like Tenzi or Uno, or the story game, where you write a part of the story on a piece of paper – everybody starts their own story, and then everybody folds the piece of paper over and passes it to the left. Then each person writes the next part of their own story. Folds it over, passes to the left. So you have these five part stories, but they’re all mixed up between everybody’s stories. It’s great fun to read them. Mad Libs are very fun to do, or a game of Would You Rather where you offer two options to see which is the lesser of two evils for each person, or which is their favorite thing out of two good things.
So, any kind of fun conversation helps you to feel connected with each other, helps your kids’ tanks to be full, and helps you all to be much more relaxed than you were at the beginning of the meal. I really like it when mom or dad brings up a conversation that’s been on their hearts, or that’s been in the news, or something that they think would be beneficial for the children to talk about. Sometimes it turns into a really valuable conversation time, especially if you have something prepared that you want the children to understand, but you’re also open to hear all their thoughts about it.
Sometimes it’s hard for children to do this because they’re not used to it. They’re not used to sitting and talking and they want to jump up and go and do their own thing. In that case, you can start really slowly, with perhaps just a five minute conversation after a particular course. You say, “Okay, we’re going to talk about this for five minutes, then we’re going to have dessert, and it’s going to be exciting, so you just need to sit still and listen.” Obviously, if you’ve got older teenagers, then again, you can tell them, “Okay, we’re going to do this for 10 minutes, and then we’re going to go and watch something, or you guys can do your own thing.” So, they slowly get into it.
And then I think the reward of being heard and being connected and close helps with the next time doing it longer, and it will come more easily to your family group. So, a little thoughtfulness beforehand, and a little intentionality produces connection. Dinner time can be a treasured time for your whole family. I think the most important thing to remember here is that the goal of this time is to be close, to be connected, and to be present. It’s not to make it more complicated. It’s not to make it more stressful. It’s not to make it busy. It’s just to try and connect with each other, and disconnect from the craziness of life in general.
If it feels stressful, then just start with a small way to change what you do at dinner, or to add to what you do at dinner, to add to your conversation. Just add something small, whatever feels comfortable to you so that it helps you relax. Often as mom, others will take the cue from us. If we’re enjoying the time, and we’re peaceful, then they will be too.
Last night after recording this, I decided to have a family meal along the lines of what I’ve been speaking about. So, I gathered the kids together and got them to help me in various ways. A couple of them helped to set the table, and some helped to make the appetizer. What I like to do sometimes, when I don’t have an appetizer planned, is a cucumber, cream cheese and basil appetizer. It’s very yummy. Basically you cut slices of cucumber and put about six or seven on a side plate. Then you add a little cream cheese that’s been softened, put half a slice of tomato or red pepper on top, and finish it off with a little bit of basil pesto, or just basil leaves and a bit of salt. Sometimes I put some olives or carrots on the plates. It makes a great sort of deconstructed salad that’s different and fun.
Then we put out a few games, and I asked everybody to find a poem or a hymn, or something that they’d like to read and talk about. Then we sat down, and we had our starter.
Everybody got a drink to put in the fridge; we have individual drinks sometimes on special occasions. Then while we were sitting around the table at the beginning, we each talked about something from our day; a fun fact we learned, something we enjoyed doing, something that went wrong, or something that was amusing. Everybody mentioned theirs while we had our appetizer.
Then while we were clearing, we were chatting about various topics, and then we started to read the individual poems and things. So, everybody read either a fun poem or a serious poem that they enjoyed, or an excerpt from a book. One of our kids read an excerpt from the Lord of the Rings, and one of them from the A. A. Milne book, Now We Are Six. There were some very cool poems and things.
Then we had our roast lamb and roast potatoes and such. The meal hadn’t been a lot of work at all. We just put a leg of lamb in the crock pot on low for eight hours, after browning it on two sides. Then we added salt, pepper, rosemary, and thyme, and just let it roast. We also added a little bone broth in the bottom to make the gravy with. The potatoes we steamed, and later on we just turned them into roast potatoes in the oven. We put a bit of butter on top, some salt, and some onion powder, and then we baked them. It was a very easy dinner. We kind of all hung out in the kitchen while the lamb was being carved, and the potatoes were still cooking, and my son made the gravy.
Then we served, and we continued with reading our poems and things to each other. Then we started playing a game of Tenzi. We also did a toast where we each toasted to something that was meaningful to us. Then we ended with some tinned peaches and fresh raw cream – very delicious. I also said to the kids at the end that if they could walk all the way around the table. With a dice on their heads, without it falling off, they can have a little chocolate. They were all very keen, and the older boys were doing two or three dice at a time piled on top of each other on their heads, and everybody won a chocolate.
So, it was lots of fun, chatting and relaxing and having real connection and closeness. We also put on some Celtic music in the background. We didn’t dress up for this one, as we wanted to just keep it simple for everybody. So, it wasn’t something I planned in advance at all, but it worked out. I hope you get to try a fun meal in your family soon.
I hope you have a blessed week, and thanks for joining me today.
